We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
