You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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