i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
