I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
