my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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