Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
