I hate all girls vehemently.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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