Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
