She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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