We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
