when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
