I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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