Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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