How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
foreskin is a definite game changer
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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