The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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