I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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