im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
