yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
