i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
