worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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