Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
