your parents love me but you hate me
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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