someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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