Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
