Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
