the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
