So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
