i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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