New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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