I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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