I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
