I only kidnapped one of them. chill
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My ass is underappreciated
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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