i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
