I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Two words: blizzard sex
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
