1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
