Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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