using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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