Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
