I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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