I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I need a beard to bite.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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