i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
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And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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