i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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