I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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