Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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