i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i came on her dog
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
