i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
