Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Randomize
