you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
