So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
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Are my feet made of real feet?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
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I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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