please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize
