Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
