Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
