smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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