Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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