I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
