so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
PANTIES FOUND
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
