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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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