Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
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Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
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you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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