I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
